Going Under -- 8-14-04

_and I met at a hotel, Thursday night.� He had gotten my e-mail and e-mailed me back saying that he would "love another night of sensual pleasures and philosophical/spiritual discussions.� The latter always goes best after a nice long session of the sensual pleasures."
��� I was a bundle of nerves, again.� Mostly, I was nervous that he would back out on me and leave me feeling stupid and worthless, sitting in my car, waiting for him.� He noticed right away, and began rubbing my shoulders.� That was all that I needed.
��� This time, I was prepared.� I'd shaved.� I was wearing my cute panties. And I was no longer on my period.� We were kissing and holding each other almost immediately.
��� He's so patient.� He brought me twice, right away.� We took a break and fell into discussions on religious philosophy, reincarnation, soul mates, and relationships in general.� For two hours, we discussed these things.� He told me that it seemed like I was reluctant to talk about my relationships, and I told him that I was trying not to beat people over the head with my baggage right away.� He told me that he's not my boyfriend, so it doesn't matter.� We're just friends -- who have sex, he added.� I could tell him anything.� So I did and he listened.
��� I told him how self-conscious I am about my body, and how I don't feel that around him and that he should consider that a compliment.� He said he did, and then admitted that he feels like we've known each other for a really long time, even though we have only known each other for a few days.
��� Once we were back to the philosophical discussions, we talked about reincarnation.� He told me about a woman he'd dated who had a moment where she'd seen all of their relationships throughout time, and how they'd never end up together.� Their relationships would always end.� And it did.
��� It made me really sad and scared, to hear that.� Firstly, I found it ironic, considering the entry I wrote very recently called Vibrations.� But mostly, it made me fearful.� I want so badly to believe that those kinds of bonds are real.� I want to be the romantic, but the cynic keeps brutalizing me.
��� At one point, as I lay on my back with him laying above me, stroking my hair, he told me how beautiful my hair was -- how it framed my face just right.� The he said, "I hope I'm not making this hard for you," and I knew what he meant and swallowed hard.
��� It's too late.� I'm gone.� I've known him for less than a week.� I've been in his presence for a total of about 12 hours, and yet I have never had intimacy with any man the way I've had intimacy with him.� The connection is cosmic.� I feel like I could talk to him forever and never run out of things to say.

��� These last 20 months have been so hard for me.� Once I opened my eyes to what my mother really was, I've had to ask myself over and over "how could she say she loved me and then let these things happen to me?"� It was that realization that lead to the demise of my last relationship.� No one in my life has ever put my needs before his.
��� R does.
��� After four hours of perfect pleasure, he had to leave.� We put our clothes on and he sat on the end of the bed and pulled me to him.� He put his arms around me and we kissed and held each other.� I asked him if we could do this again and he said yes, but not every week.� Then he looked into my eyes and said, "Just be careful."� I knew what he meant, but I played dumb, fearful that I'd cry if I said anything.� "I just don't want you to hurt yourself," he told me.� "Because you're too special -- to sweet."
��� My needs first.� He had an open invitation for a free fuck, and he thought of my needs first.
��� I cried a little on the drive home.
��� I've wanted someone like him for so long.� I just never thought I'd find him so abruptly and in such the wrong place.� The feelings are really beginning to overwhelm me.� I'm trying to keep things in perspective.� I'm trying to be thankful for what this relationship is and not worry about what it isn't.� There has been so much bad.� I just want to have something good for a while.
��� I know.� I've lost my mind.� There is nothing logical, rational, reasonable nor sensible about any of this.� But it feels too good to walk away from.
��� I feel again.� I feel hope and ache and passion and desire.� I feel hopelessness and confusion.� But I feel.