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Resonance --
8-12-04
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our days since my encounter with R and two days since M2.�
In all honesty, I have no idea how I feel about all of this.� I was
high on it for a few days, but I think I'm coming down.
��� As I've said before, I have no idea what's to be
considered normal.� Is it normal to have sex with someone and then
not speak to them for several days?� I realize that these are supposed
to be "no strings" relationships, but is there really any such thing?�
I mean, if you hold and kiss and touch someone, and if you tell them, see
you again soon, doesn't that imply some minor strings?
��� Then again, is it normal to go to a party and encourage
your spouse to have sex with someone at the party, while you have sex with
someone else?� Is it normal to meet a guy from the internet and go
straight to a hotel, knowing you'll be having sex?� No.� Probably
not.� So I guess I'm sort of perpetuating this mechanism of abnormality
that seems to run my life.� There really is no etiquette.
��� I wish I could let go of my control issues.�
I know I'd be totally o.k. with this situation with M2
if he just wasn't so damned distant.� I don't need to know that he
loves me, or even that he's not having sex with other people.� I really
don't care.� I just need to know that he really does want to be with
me again, and that he wasn't just saying that to avoid what he thought
was a potential for drama.
��� R, on the other hand.� I could fall in love
with that man.� He was beautiful.� He made me feel beautiful.�
If he and I had made a connection like that, and if he and I were both
single, I could have fallen in love that night.� Of course, I wouldn't
have had sex with him that night.
��� I just can't stand this NOT KNOWING.� It makes
me all panicky and emotional when I swore I wouldn't get this way.
��� I think this is part of what leaves me feeling so
confused.� Firstly, why can't I find men like R who want to be with
me, not who just want to have sex with me.� Secondly, was there really
the connection that I felt, or was he just really skilled at getting what
he wants from women (not that I didn't want it, too).� Thirdly, if
R had left me that morning saying, "thanks for a really great time.�
It's been real," and then I never saw him again, I think I'd actually be
more relaxed about everything than I am now, having heard him tell me,
"we'll definitely have to exchange numbers.� We can do this as often
as you'd like."
��� I had a really long talk with K, last night.�
It was K whose party I met R at.� K told me that he and M had met
for lunch on Tuesday, and that in itself left me feeling sick in my stomach.�
I just want some kind of validation from R.
��� I told K about my anxieties and he was sympathetic.�
He told me that M is looking for more than just a swinging partner.�
She's looking for a second husband.� It kind of makes me wonder about
her relationship with R.� While I can understand the desire to play
with multiple partners, a second emotional partner is quite different.
��� K wants me to be one of his partners.� I'm
certain of this.� He's hinted about it in passing, and last night
he asked me to stay and "cuddle" with him, but I told him I needed to go.�
I like K a lot, but there is a considerable gap in philosophies, maturity,
and goals between us.� Besides, I'm way too much of a control freak,
and if I didn't like the other women he was having sex with, I'd have a
really hard time keeping it to myself.
��� I think I've quickly come to the conclusion that
this is not the lifestyle for me.� I'm not saying that I won't continue
reaping the physical rewards as they come my way for the time being, but
I want a man who'll love me and me alone.� Who'll value our relationship
so much, that he'd forego those urges to be with other women, because a
few hours of physical pleasure would not be worth risking a lifetime of
devoted love and companionship.
��� On a related but not really topic, C is a 19 year
old who hangs around with K and his crew.� He's absolutely adorable,
with his baby face and big eyes.� And he has an obvious crush on me.�
I noticed it the night of the party, that he seemed to follow me a bit
and was concerned about whether or not I was enjoying myself.� Last
night, at Gather, he told me he couldn't find his phone and asked me if
I'd call it for him.� I did, and he found it and said, "O.k., I really
just wanted your phone number."� It's so cute!� I don't think
I could ever be physically attracted to him, knowing that I have friends
from high school with kids older than him, but it's really flattering and
he's such a cutie pie!
If they've done nothing for my ability to cope with reality, these last couple of weeks really have done wonders for my self-esteem.� I see myself with different eyes.
The smell of your skin, the taste of your kiss, the
sound of your breath,
the touch of your hands, the way you look at me --
these are the reason I was given senses. |
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