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Trying --
10-07-04
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was here. He came to me all the way from Sacramento. I've
tried not to fall for him, but he doesn't make it easy. We made love
in my bed; christening it, I suppose, as it's a new bed for me. It's
the first time he's ever been in my "space" like that.
It's been an emotional few weeks. It's been
hard living such a long way from home. I suppose three hours isn't
really that much, but when everyone I've loved has always been within a
45 minute drive, 3 hours, and lack of gas money might as well be another
continent.
R was here. He came to me, all the way from
Sacramento. I've tried not to fall for him, but he doesn't make it
easy. He asked me about my Greek teacher -- is he cute? It's
the second time he's asked me that, and when I asked him why, he said that
he doesn't want me to pass up opportunities for happiness because of him.
I told him that I don't need him to find a replacement lover for me.
Fitting in at Stanford is challenging. I'm
surrounded by people a full decade younger than I, with stronger backgrounds
in everything. It's very intimidating.
But then I find that they all have their insecurities,
and we're not so different, really.
R was here. He came to me all the way from
Sacramento. I've tried not to fall for him, but he doesn't make it
easy. Last week, I thought he was going to tell me that our relationship
was over. He and M have been having some challenges because of her
disability and inability to work as a result of it. She's going through
personal depression and, of course, it is effecting their relationship.
I think he really just wanted to talk to me about it, but the way he approached
the subject, I thought he was telling me it was over, and I felt my body
tighten and my lips begin to tremble and he held me and told me that it
wasn't over, but that he just needed to vent.
Roommate and I seem to get along well. We
share the responsibilities of housekeeping as well as managing this complex
really well. I think this is the partnership I've always wanted in
a relationship. Too bad we're just friends. We actually broached
the subject of our "past" and whether or not I thought he was a pig for
having "used me." I told him that I never thought he was a pig, but
that I didn't know what had happened. He mentioned that now that
I have multiple lovers and understand the philosophy of "no strings," it
should be easier for me to understand his side of things. I pointed
out that there had been no communication with us, and that had there been,
we probably never would have had sex.... or maybe we would have.... who
knows. But at least I no longer feel like I was the icky one.
R was here. He came to me all the way from
Sacramento. I've tried not to fall for him, but he doesn't make it
easy. He tried to get me to say the things that I wanted to say to
him... but the tears kept leaking down my face, and I didn't want to cry
in front of him. He told me that he was amazed at how emotional I
was and yet how strong I seem to be. I told him that I learned from
a really shitty relationship that it's really easy to manipulate people
with emotions. But though I might achieve the results I desired,
it's like cheating at a game. Yeah, I won.... but it doesn't mean
anything because I cheated. He pulled me to him and held me and I
told him that I loved him. I had to turn away when he told me he
loved me, too.
Once I agonized over the question of whether or
not there was a man who could touch me spiritually and intellectually,
who could make love to me so passionately, who would care about me and
treat me like a lady, wishing to spare me from those things he is capable
of sparing me from. Now I know that there is one. Are there
two? |
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