Orbit -- 10-27-04

'm learning so much about myself since I've moved to San Jose.  Some of the things I'm learning are not new, but confirmed.  Many of them have to do with R.
    I realize that it makes no sense.  I also realized that I've ricocheted back and forth with regards to the true nature of my feelings for him so much so, that anyone who has been following this journal must think I'm completely neurotic.  (You're probably correct).
    I think I really am in love with R.  When he and I are together I feel like we have no skin... like we are soul to soul.  When we make eye contact, it feels like being touched.  He makes me honest, because I know that he'd see through drama and pretenses.  He makes me hopeful, because now I know that there is at least one man in the universe who can touch me spiritually, intellectually, and physically in all the right ways.
    I'm also finding out how deeply my need for control runs.  I have never been in a relationship in which I did not provide some material need for my partner: a place to live, stability, etc.  I never worried as to my status with these partners because I knew that they needed me.  I've never had to worry about whether I was worth having.  I've never had to ask "why does he want me?"
    R asks nothing of me.  He even tries to downplay our sexual relationship because he says that our friendship is much more important to him.  Recently he sent me an e-mail stating that he wants our friendship to be more important than our physical relationship because I might need to end that part at some point, and he wants to keep me around for as long as possible.
    Why can't I believe it?  I can't just trust that someone can want to be with me without my having to do something to remind them of me or to hook them, like I am a drug.  I find myself sending him text messages for the stupidest reasons.  Today, I realized that I send them to him because I want to know that I'm always in his thoughts.  As if not being in his thoughts for a moment or a day might make him forget about me completely... or worse... realize that I'm not as wonderful as he claims to believe I am.
    On our last lunch date, he put his arm around me and told me that he just loved me... he loves the conversations... the contemplation of the universe.  I wrote him a poem and gave it to him then, and he was truly moved by it.  I think it was one of the most wonderful times we've spent together, and when I drove away, I hadn't a doubt in the world that his love was genuine and true.
    That was Thursday.
    We don't talk much, if at all when we're not together.  He generally responds to my text messages at least once in a day.  And we often run into each other online, as we play the same RPG on the same server and in the same chat channel.
    So now it's Wednesday of the following week.  We have a lunch date for Friday.  I have anxiety in the pit of my stomach.  I want to believe he truly loves me, but maybe I just don't believe I'm worthy of the kind of love he gives.  Because each day I don't hear from him, a voice in my head tells me he's lost interest, or he's met someone new, or whatever.  And no amount of "well, I'd be better off without him, anyway" will make that sickness go away.
    I've never met anyone like him.  He's so real.  There are no pretenses.  What if he is the only man in the world like him?  Or the only one I'll ever meet...
 
Intimate Orbit
(for R)

I am your moon
My body drawn to you irresistibly
It is a struggle to maintain the necessary distance

I want you to see me
Graceful, evolved and brilliant
Reflecting as much light as I can

So I rotate slowly
My face changing in shadows
Illuminated, though sometimes swallowed in darkness

Our gravity draws me inward
My inertia pulls me outward
Equilibrium is the element crucial to our celestial dance

On your shores
You feel the motion of my phases
As I let it flow sometimes and ebb others

And with your lenses
You see my fractures and valleys
My distance and shadows hide little from your experienced eye

My genesis intrigues you
As the source of each crater becomes evident
You understand me better and love me for all my flawed nature

My inertia pulls me outward
Our gravity draws me inward
Equilibrium is the element crucial to our celestial dance

To me, you are the greater mystery
So much warmth and life and depth
I donut understand why my barren moonscape should captivate you

But your explorations impact
Softly imprinting yourself on my world
I am changed subtly but forever from the very first touch

Our gravity draws me inward
My inertia pulls me outward
Equilibrium is the element crucial to our celestial dance.

I imagine slowing down
Losing momentum and falling into you
Engulfed in you; surrounded by you;

Would our collision destroy us?
Or just me?
Or would it make us a greater whole?

I imagine speeding up
Increasing velocity and escaping your pull
Breaking silently away when your back is turned

Would our separation change you?
Or just me?
Would my absence leave a void?

My inertia pulls me outward
Our gravity draws me inward
Equilibrium is the element crucial to our celestial dance.

All of the possibilities terrify me
As we freefall through this great chasm of uncertainty
Where will we land?  Will you be there to catch me?

So I'll maintain this pace,
Grateful to be caught in your pull
Comfortable in the distance of our intimate orbit.

 

Previous Entries
Friendly Advising - 02-02-05
Lovemaking - 01-30-05
The Art of Unhappiness - 01-13-05
Rubber Ducky - 01-09-05
Ouch - 12-24-04
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