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Procrastinating --
9-23-04
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'm procrastinating. I should be unpacking, but everything
seems more interesting.
What's the phrase? "The best laid plans of
mice and men go oft awry?" Well add some estrogen and you have a
full on catastrophe!
O.k., I guess it's not as bad as it could be.
In fact, if things were going to go awry, I couldn't have asked for a better
second choice. You're wondering what the hell I'm talking about.
I'm talking about the move I've been anticipating
since December. I was supposed to move into the dorms at Stanford
on September 21. On September 16, I found out that one of my student
loans was declined. After humiliating myself by begging for cosigners
from anyone and everyone I could think of, I found out that I was not eligible,
even with a cosigner. (It's times like these that it's really difficult
not to hate my ex-husband).
In addition, I found out that my tuition bill only
included tuition for part-time units. When I added the rest of my
schedule, it upped my tuition by $3000. So instead of falling $1500
short of what I owe for first quarter, I'm $4500 short.
So as of this moment, some very dear friends of
mine are considering loaning me too much money so that I can get this ball
rolling. It's humiliating, but I have no time, nor can I afford to
be proud.
In addition to that, I'm now living with A, a guy
I've known for several years from Renaissance faire. He manages a
really nice apartment complex about 30 minutes from campus. He's
been looking for a roommate to move in and help him maintain the place.
It's free rent and free utilities, plus a $300/mo allowance for food and/or
other expenses. We even have free high speed internet.
In all, it's a great arrangement. I'm a little
nervous about living with a roommate, as I've never done that before.
A and I have a little bit of a history, too, but
it was a long time ago. We met online, originally, and after meeting
at a ren faire we were both playing at, had sex once or twice. (O.k.,
3 times, but who's counting?) I was stupid and thought that it meant
we'd be a couple. (This was before I discovered the beauty of friends
with benefits). In any case, I met Ex through A, and the rest is
sordid history.
The first night that I was here, I definitely got
the impression we were doing some mutual swooping. Nothing came of
it, though, and I don't intend to push it. Frankly, I'm feeling a
little over-sexed, lately. In any case, I suppose as long as I remember
to put the lid down before I flush, I'll be fine.
M2 has turned out
to be a flake. He claims that school is the problem, but I find it
hard to believe that in 6 weeks, he couldn't squeeze out a couple of hours
for me. No worries, though. P has moved into the picture since
then.
P is a member of my SCA house. He's a massage
therapist and a sweetie. He's not really what I would consider my
type, but we have a good time together.
P has a six year old son. Tuesday night, I
stayed with P and his son walked in on us. It was the funniest thing!
P panicked and just threw all the blankets on me, covering me completely.
I was laughing so hard, I'm sure the whole pile of blankets was shaking.
P bit me twice to shut me up, but that just made me laugh harder.
I just had this visual of this skinny naked man laying on top of a large
mound of blankets. Too funny!
R is still in the picture as well. He's told
me that he loves me. As overwhelming as my feelings are regarding
him, I'm not sure how I feel about that. In some ways, it almost
makes me angry. On the one hand he tells me that he doesn't want
me to be hurt, and yet on the other hand, he's telling me he loves me,
and encouraging me to say the same.
We had this one amazing night. He wanted to
see me before I left for school, so we got a really nice room and spent
the evening touching and holding each other. He is the most amazing
lover I have ever had. We have the best conversations.
I told him that I'm afraid that he'll make a decision
about us without me. He told me that there may come a time when he
has to tell me that our relationship is basically over. I feel like
I'm free-falling. I have nothing to hang on to, and it's scaring
me to the point that I feel the tide of emotion receding back into numbness.
Part of me wants to hold on to it, but part of me thinks maybe it's best
that I just let it go. |
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