Flood -- 8-10-04

everal days ago, I was commiserating with a friend about the recent "dry spells" we were experiencing with regards to sex life.� In jest, I said, "God, let it flood."
��� The rains have begun.
��� While I've given up looking for people on the net, one guy that I'd met earlier has stayed in touch with me for several weeks.� I met him through an online matchmaker site with an alternative swing.� I had posted that I was not interested in a relationship at this time, but was interested in meeting someone who'd like to have some fun with no strings attached.� I made it perfectly clear that I was not looking for a one-night-stand and I was not looking to be anyone's mistress.
��� In any case, M₂ and I met last night for the first time.� We met for dinner at a Chinese place here in town with plans to rent a room later if things went well.
��� On first meeting him, I was disappointed.� While he was just as attractive in person as he was in his pictures, he showed up wearing a pair of cargo shorts and a faded black tee shirt.� I was wearing a black skirt slit up both sides, a skin tight black tank, and a sheer black blouse.
��� Dinner started off awkwardly.� We were both nervous.� He seemed shy.� But we ate and talked and laughed and finally began discussing mathematics, which was something we could both relate to, and that led us both to loosen up.
��� When fortune cookies came, he laughed.� His fortune was "you will be fortunate in the things you seek this night."� He laughed and I blushed and giggled.� We talked a bit longer and then he said, "ya wanna get out of here?"� So we did.
��� We drove to a nice hotel and got a room and broke out some wine coolers.� He sat on one bed and I sat on the other.� I told him I was nervous and he asked me why.� I told him I'd never done anything like this, that I was a control freak, and that the unknowns involved were kinda scary to me.� After he told me why I should relax, he confessed that he was nervous, too, and that made me feel much better.
��� When he got up to use the bathroom, I lit some candles and turned off the lights.� I laid back on the bed that I was on and tried to act casual.� When he returned from the bathroom, he smiled to see me there, came to me, and began to kiss me.
��� He was an excellent kisser.� He was tender, attentive, and considerate... especially considering the fact that I'm still on my period.� His stamina was remarkable.� I've never known a man who could reach orgasm, rest for a few minutes, and be ready to go again and again and again.
��� It was really a great night.� We talked a lot, kissed a lot, touched a lot.� We discussed the dynamic of the relationship: no strings... what does that mean.� I told him that I expect to be treated with respect; that I loathe being blown off without a word; and that other than that, I don't care what he's doing when he's not with me.� It's none of my business.� He said pretty much the same thing.
��� I'm trying to be really honest with myself.� I'm not sure if this is a relationship that I can maintain.� While I had a wonderful time, when I drove away, I felt an overwhelming urge to cry.� It's not that I felt rejected, used, or in anyway slighted by him.� He was really great.� But I think I realized that even thought I know it's not a good time for me to be in an exclusive, committed relationship; and even though I've been needing a release like this for a very long time; I really do want someone to love me.� LOVE.� ME.� Not need me.� Love me for all my quirks and baggage and nervous compulsions and for the fact that I'm intelligent and thoughtful and spiritual and creative.
��� I don't understand why I can find men who just want to have sex with me yet who treat me better than any man I've ever been in a relationship with.� Yes, I realize that it's easy to be attentive and considerate for one night as opposed to weeks, months, and years, depending on the relationship.� But none of the men I've been involved with had even one night where they treated me the way M₂ did, or the way R did, Saturday night.
��� I'm probably going to continue seeing M₂, as long as he's interested.� I think having a regular sex partner might take my mind off of my loneliness and allow me to focus on the things I need to focus on for now... namely preparing to move to grad school.

��� There's an irritating poodle-like voice that keeps yapping at me from the back of my mind.� It tells me I should be ashamed of myself for having engaged in sex with a married man on Saturday night and for having sex with a perfect stranger only two nights later.� There was a time when I would have been completely appalled by a woman like me.
��� And yet I'm really not ashamed of anything.� We were all consenting adults (including the wife of the married man).� Responsible.� No injury to innocent bystanders.� It's really no one's business but mine and theirs and I'm o.k. with that, too.� It feels good to be letting go of the inhibitions.� Sex is a necessity and I deprived myself of the enjoyment of it for the first 10 years of my sexually active life.� It feels good to just enjoy it for what it is, without having to attach baggage to it.
��� To be perfectly honest, I have to confess that there is a part of me that will be incredibly disappointed if I never hear from either of these men again.� It's not about the sex, either.� Although I wouldn't come close to saying that I've fallen for either of them, I do feel like we've created a special friendship.� It would hurt to find out that even that relationship was fraudulent in an attempt to just get laid.
��� I suppose I have a tendency to expect the worst from people, especially when it means that I have to trust that they found me just as desirable as I found them.