And yet, I always feel like people are trying to move as far away from me as possible, as quickly as possible.  I am always dumbfounded when people express their appreciation or admiration for me.  What's worse is that when they provide reasons for their affection, I argue it with them in my head.  If you really knew me, you wouldn't like me nearly as much.

So even though R has never been anything other than passionate and affectionate when we're together, and even though he gushes over me when we talk on the telephone, when a day or two have passed with no contact, I play out entire scenarios in which he's somehow figured out my true nature (which I have tried so hard to avoid showing him), and has pushed me out of his heart completely.  He has dumped me in my mind so many times, and each time brings real tears.

And I do know how unhealthy this is.  I pride myself on being very self-aware.  (FYI, R has never seen this neurotic side of me.  He knows that I have fears regarding our relationship, but I do not play drama queen with him.  I also pride myself on being VERY low maintenance).

Of course, the whole nature of this relationship is certainly a cause for some of the unrest I feel.  Where can it go?

But another part of me asks Why does it have to go anywhere?  Why can't we just love each other?