|
|
|
Touch and Go --
11-21-04
|
just left. Remember him? He was the one who'd gotten kind
of flaky after we'd been together a couple of times. I hadn't heard
from him in over a month, but he popped up on Yahoo IM, the other day and
we talked for a while. He admitted that there had been some "on again
off again stuff with an ex," but that it was over, now. I told him
that he could have told me that -- that it would have made more sense than
just kind of disappearing.
So he drove here yesterday. He's not the best lover I've ever
had. In fact, far from it, as he seems to think that female orgasms
will just happen accidentally while he's having his third or fourth.
I wish I was more confident about expressing things of this nature, because
he's a nice enough guy that I think he'd listen and respond... but sex
is still difficult for me to talk about, and rejection terrifies me.
In any case, while the climactic part of the whole experience leaves
something to be desired, overall he's just really nice to be with.
We have a really good time when we're together -- lots of laughing and
talking. And he kisses really well, and holds me really tightly.
I'd venture to say I'm probably the first woman he's been with since
he and the ex ended their second try at things. I really felt as
though he were trying to absorb me, holding me so close, laying his head
on my chest.
In many many ways, I like the direction life is taking me in, and I
like having discovered this freedom to have sex without baggage attached.
But I've noticed a couple of things about it:
-
the better it is, the emptier I feel when they leave (or I leave, depending
on the situation).
-
better, to me, does not mean mind-blowing orgasms. It means a feeling
of mutual appreciation -- maybe even being needed a little
-
this isn't me. I've struggled with sex issues my whole life.
It took me over a decade to figure out that having sex was o.k. and that
liking it was not a sin. I suppose a part of me has been trying to
make up for lost time, so I have found myself in bed with people I am not
attracted to simply because I don't want to miss an opportunity.
I don't like this part of me -- the part of me that reacts, as I have described
before, as a billiard ball, ricocheting from side to side before sinking
into the pocket. That's what I do. I bounce from extreme to
extreme before settling in some comfortable, stable, middle ground.
I think perhaps I need to slow down a little and go back to taking sex
a teeny bit more seriously. Of course, I'll never go back to being
the prude I used to be, but I definitely need to stop fucking anything
that doesn't turn my stomach.
When M left, I told him not to be so illusive this time. He told
me that he didn't mean to be, and I told him that I knew, but that it still
sucked. He apologized, kissed me, and thanked me for having him here.
On a side note, I have a date Tuesday with a gentleman I met via yet
another online dating thing (yes, I know what I've said. Shut up).
I'm actually very much looking forward to meeting him. We've exchanged
e-mail a few times and seem to have an incredible number of similarities
in likes, dislikes, and philosophies. He has a wonderful voice, as
well.
One can hope. |
_
Click
here for a
Complete
Table of Contents
_
|