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Contact --
8-20-04
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he need for physical human contact is an interesting phenomenon.
Despite my age, this whole concept of sex for the sake of sex is a brand
new experience for me.
In my mind, it's always played out as if I were
not in the same room with my partner. He would use my body to satisfy
his own needs, and then leave me feeling cold and empty.
To reinforce this warped view, I've had an experience
or two precisely like that. Naive as I was, in both cases, I thought
sex was a precursor to relationship, and on the morning, when my lover
was no longer affectionate, nor hardly even friendly, I felt like an empty
tube of tooth paste: used up and caved in.
Later I assumed that I was unable to separate my
emotions from sex, and decided that sex should be reserved for relationships
only. That's when Ex and I became involved, so there was really no
need to put said canon to the test.
When Ex and I broke up, I realized that I needed
to sort some things out before I got myself involved in another relationship.
The unfortunate byproduct of that, however, was abstinence, which I promptly
deduced sucks.
J was the first to prompt me to consider a "fling."
J was a guy I knew from my online game. He lives just a couple of
hours from me. He was 22, and told me he had always wanted to be
with an "older woman." (It was difficult to find that as flattering
as I'm sure he meant it to be).
In any case, this was the first time I'd ever given
any consideration to the possibility of having sex with someone knowing
that that was all it was about. While part of me was afraid of the
idea, part of me was enticed by it. I realized that it didn't have
to be cold and callous, and that it could be nice if we're open to hearing
each other's needs and wants.
Unfortunately, J turned out to have a girlfriend,
and I have no desire to be the other woman (despite recent developments).
So, while that specific event never took place, it opened my mind to the
possibilities.
That's what prompted me to create a classified on
AFF.
Imagine my horror when 90% of the responses I got either came from men
older than my dad or had penis pics attached. Yuck!
M2 contacted me
there. His e-mail had attached to it one very nice picture of a young man,
27 (this is as opposed to the OLD men who were contacing me), with a really
great smile. Instead of some gruesome comment about what his favorite
positions are, he simply asked me if age was an issue to me. I told
him that my only concerns with age were that he be younger than my parents
but old enough not to get me arrested. I also pointed out that he's
not THAT much younger than me. Less than six years -- and that maturity
is my main concern but that that doesn't necessarily come with age.
It's turning out to be a very pleasant experience.
As I mentioned above, I expected there to be a coldness to this.
It surprises me how warm and comfortable it is, even with its strangeness.
We talk a lot and about a wide variety of things. We touch a lot.
Touching is such a nice thing. Highly underrated.
I'd forgotten how much I liked it. Ex freaked out if I grazed my
fingers over him -- too ticklish, he'd tell me. It shouldn't have,
but it always felt like rejection when he would react like that.
I don't know why this is the case, but I thought
that the intertwining of fingers would be one of those things left out
of this FWB situation, because it seems so intimate and personal.
And yet, I wake in the night, to find M2
clasping my hand in precisely that way, and it's comforting and nice.
He spoons me, too. He is anything but cold, though I hardly hear
from him when we are not together.
I realize that only a few entries ago, I was ranting
about the unfamiliarity and uncertainty of this. I tend to behave
like a billiard ball: ricocheting from extreme to extreme until finally
sinking into that pocket of reason and logic that I'm comfortable with.
I think I needed to know that M2 found
me worthy of further attention. Now that I know that he enjoys my
company as much as I enjoy his, I feel like I can relax with this.
Next time, I intend to ask him if he'll allow me
to tell him what I want. While he is an energetic lover, and though
my comfort is of primary concern to him, my pleasure does not seem to be
quite as much of a priority as his own. I don't think it's so much
a matter of not caring, either, as perhaps lack of experience. It
certainly seems to be a great turn on for him when I do reach the high
notes, but it's a much greater effort for me than it should be. I'm
not generally that stubborn.
This will be an exercise for me, as well.
I have never been able to tell a lover what I need or want. Even
when they ask, I blush and find myself unable to open my mouth to voice
the things I want to say: touch
me gently... tease me... nibble delicately... allow me to warm through
and through and through... take me slowly... it'll be better for both of
us. |
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