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Cured? --
8-19-04
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ow strange what things can bring people together.
Lately, my mother has been distraught over the fate
of my niece's custody. Niece has been raised by my parents
pretty much since she was born. She is now almost 9 years old.
In June, Niece went to Louisiana to see her mother
for the summer. Niece's mother is completely inept as a parent, and
frankly as a human. Nonetheless, my parents have always encouraged
Niece to have a relationship with her. One of N (niece's mom)'s faults
is that she tends to end up living with people who are controlling.
Most recently she has moved in with a couple who have decided that it's
time for Niece to live with her mother. So at their encouragement,
N has decided to pursue custody of Niece.
I keep telling my mom that there is nothing to worry
about. No judge with any sense would evaluate N's living situation
and determine that she's a healthy environment for a child -- especially
a child who is quite vocal about NOT wanting to live with her.
In any case, my mom has been having panic attacks,
lately. She latches on to me as soon as she realizes I'm in the room,
and begins to talk about the situation. Eventually, we'll move on
to other topics, and she'll tell me that she feels better.
Oddly enough, today's topic was my relationship
with M2,
which I'm becoming quite comfortable with. I hadn't mentioned him
to her, because I wasn't sure what she'd say about me having a sexual relationship,
knowing how adamant I am about not getting into relationships right now.
But last night, I stayed with him at his place.
It was really nice -- as good, if not better than the first time, because
we were more comfortable with each other. He's an impressive lover,
and an incredible kisser. I could kiss him for hours. We have
fun when we're together, too. He has a great sense of humor and we
laugh a lot. Last night he was seriously trying to convince me that
Tivo has made him a more productive human being. I laughed hard.
Well, today I told Shrink about him. Shrink
was pleased, which really surprised me. He told me it was probably
the healthiest relationship I've ever had, because M2
and I are honest about our feelings and communicate a lot. He said
that when we're together, we know what it's about, so there's no guessing,
and that there's nothing wrong with that as long as we're both responsible
and keep an open dialogue. He told me he liked the direction my "new
life" was taking.
So when I came home and realized that my mom was
having one of her moments, I told her about M2,
and about what Shrink had said about him. My mom blushed and giggled
at first. She's so funny when it comes to talking about sex that
I'm actually having. But then she told me that she remembered what
it was like to be single and lonely, and that she thinks that relationships
like this one are kind of special. We actually had a pretty nice
conversation about it.
I feel better not sneaking around like I'm 16 or
something.
I couldn't bring myself to tell either Shrink or
my mom about R. Of course, I think I have a pretty good handle on
that, now that I've realized that it was not him that caused all the feelings
I was experiencing. I still believe that he and I have a special
connection. We just feel so comfortable with each other and we gravitate
toward the same subjects when we're together. But mostly, R inspires
me to keep hoping. He's the kind of man that I want (minus the swinging).
I want a partner with whom I can communicate like that and share common
interests. I want a lover who can be sensual and who can enjoy a
sensual partner.
M, R's wife, was at Gather last night, sitting next
to K when I got there. She had her daughter there, too. Someday,
I'll have to ask R if their kids know about their lifestyle. They're
both teens, so she had to wonder what her mother was doing hanging out
in a park without K and with all these unfamiliar men.
In any case, when I arrived, M quickly scooted over
and gave me a spot between herself and K. It took me a minute to
swallow the natural nervousness that erupts when I see her. But once
it did, she and I actually had a really great conversation. We talked
about our ex-husbands and what our marriages had been like. We talked
about our old attitudes toward sex, and the new ones we're developing.
I told her how my ex-husband was so controlling that I couldn't even tell
him what I wanted in bed without him getting put off by it. I told
her that I still had a lot of hang ups with regards to sex, but that I'm
getting over them.... obviously. She laughed.
This is without a doubt, the weirdest relationship
I've ever had, but I really like her and we all know how I feel about her
husband.
Well, the news for the day is that Shrink says I'm
cured. He says I've got the tools now to deal with the old emotions
as well as the new ones. It kind of makes me sad to think of not
seeing him anymore. It's been nearly six years that he's been in
my life. He's been really great for me.
But, despite the odd choices I've made lately, I
really do believe that I'm finally on the path to getting it right. |
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