Blathering -- 7-28-04

ho honestly thought that this would be a great way to sell these jeans?� Really?� Really?� This has got to be one�of the most unflattering pictures I have ever seen.� If they have sold any of these, I'll be amazed.� Astonished even.
��� Don't get me wrong.� I'm a full-figured woman (that means "fat" to those of you who don't remember the commercials for Cross Your Heart Bras with Jane Russell).� I think curvy women can be just as sexy and attractive as anyone else.� But there is nothing sexy or attractive about this picture.� If it weren't for the ugly shoes pointing out the front, I'd think this was a guy!�

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��� Having mentioned "full-figured" and "fat," I feel the need to rant for a while about such labels.� I really loathe the need to label body types.� Fat, overweight, obese, full-figured, extra padding: they all represent the same stereotypes -- lazy, stupid, ugly, people with no self-control.
��� It's really disturbing to observe to the attitudes about body image in the media.� Megan Mullally is considered overweight.� Really most of the women who were considered the sex symbols of the 40's and 50's would be considered overweight by today's standards.
��� I really despised the show Married with Children.� It was a terrible show, anyway, but it portrayed overweight women as clueless, vulgar, and always eating.� And F*R*I*E*N*D*S was even worse!� When they did flashback scenes to fat Monica, she was a completely different person.� She was stupid, naive, and not only always eating, but always thinking about food.
��� I'm not always eating and I'm not always thinking about food.� My weight came from an inability to cope with stress in healthy ways.� I eat compulsively to mask feelings of guilt.� Irrationally, I feel guilt for a lot of things: debt, work-related issues, family issues, and so on.� Work was the worst.� As a teacher, you're trained to feel guilt for every student who does not get it.� When you teach math in California high schools, there are lots of kids who do not get it.� I felt a lot of guilt, so I ate a lot.
��� But I'm an accomplished person.� I have a bachelor's degree and am working on my MA.� I'm certainly not stupid.� I have established myself as a respected member of my profession.� I am a respected writer in some small circles.� I'm intelligent, creative, talented, funny, and compassionate (and lets not forget modest), and yet I feel like when I walk into a room, I'm judged immediately by the thickness of my layer of flesh.� As if the numbers on the scale automatically disqualify me as a credible human being.
��� In the less frequent moments of obsession about Goth Guy, I wonder if it wasn't my weight that turned him off before the date even began.� I'd like to think that he was a better person than that, but it's always a doubt in the back of my mind.� And he did seem to be eagerly interested in the fact that I'm on WeightWatchers.� (11.5 lbs in 5 weeks).

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��� I think I give away too much information upon newly meeting people.� I'm such an open book.� I really hate that.� I often wonder if I don't frighten people with my eagerness to share my life's trials and tribulations.� I used to think it was necessary for people to know these things about me.� As if they needed to understand that I'm recovering from injury after injury after injury.� I also thought that perhaps by knowing what I've survived, they might appreciate my strength.
��� But as I've had much too much free time, and have spent a great deal of it in chat rooms meeting people (in chat only), I'm beginning to see how that can be a great turn off.� Not only does it not make me think, "wow, this person is really courageous," but it in fact makes me think that this person has issues they still haven't dealt with.
��� I really think I have dealt with my issues, though.� I mean, I've been in counseling for nearly 6 years, and I think it's been very productive.� I've learned how to analyze my reactions to things.� I've learned how to talk myself through moments of panic and irrational thinking.� I've learned that behaviors that I used to think were normal and perfectly acceptable are not, and I no longer tolerate them (in myself nor in others).
��� I am really lonely, though.� I know I just rattled on about how I shouldn't air my dirty laundry to everyone, but this is a journal, and that's what I started it for... In any case, over the last year, I've really begun to realize how bad my relationships have been.� I have never, ever, never, been in a relationship in which my needs were ever put first.� That includes my relationship with my parents.� My mother had two kids by two different men and was pregnant with a third by a third when she married for the first time.� Her drama, her men, her substances came first.
��� So the men I dated (and one I married) treated me with the same disregard, and I tolerated it.� Frankly, I don't think I realized that it was inappropriate behavior until I was so deeply embedded into a relationship that prying myself out was like major surgery.
��� I just want to be cared for by someone who really cares that my needs are met.� Who doesn't take it as an attack on his self-expression when I ask him to contribute to the household.� Better still, who doesn't need to be reminded to contribute to the household.� Who stops at the store on his way home, to get himself a 2-litre of soda and thinks, "I should get something for J while I'm here."
��� It's not that I'd expect him to meet all my needs.� I'm fully capable of taking care of myself.� It'd just be nice to know that someone is willing to make the sacrifices that I make.
��� My train of thought is derailing.� Basically, I guess I'm saying that I've never been loved right, and I feel like I'm running out of time to get it right.� 33 is not old, but it's not like I've got plenty of time left to be thinking about having babies, either.� I don't want to miss out on anything, but I feel like I'm stuck in this one spot, and have to keep repeating it until I get it right.� And until I get it right, I can't move on to the next thing, and so important stuff is passing me by.
��� Also, I really miss sex.