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Fading --
11-30-04
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o on Tuesday I met Dj, the guy from the internet that I'd mentioned
previously. He was much better looking in person than in his profile,
and we seemed to have a natural chemistry.
We met at a Vietnamese place and discussed our options.
We settled for something I can't begin to pronounce, but it tasted like
teriyaki chicken on angel hair pasta and a sweet rice dish with spicy prawns.
It was very good and the conversation was extraordinary.
After dinner we went for a drive, and walked around
this nice little lake in the middle of Oakland. We discussed our
differing religious philosophies, our experiences with personal growth,
and the Muppets.
He told me that he felt like we were on a date and
I told him that I thought we were. I told him that I was actually
kind of embarrassed that we'd met this way (an ad on AFF
in which I made it quite clear that I was only looking for a friend with
benefits), and that my only fear was falling back into the trap of mothering
a man who needs me and losing myself and my goals in the relationship.
He held my hand and said he'd had the same kinds
of experiences: relationships that take and take but give little.
I also told him that I'd removed my AFF profile
after speaking with him on the telephone because I realized that he was
the type of guy I'd like to meet... not these others who send me pictures
of their penii and make lewd comments.
He expressed amazement in having met someone like
me on the internet and I felt the same.
From there, we drove more, and he took me to this
spot where there was a building he particularly liked. It was lovely,
and we explored a bit before realizing it was a funeral home and crematorium.
He was embarrassed and I was thoroughly amused.
Since it was a crematorium, there was a cemetery
near by. I happen to enjoy cemeteries, so we climbed up on a bench
and looked over the wall to see what we could see. It was there that
he kissed me.
We parted ways at midnight with plans to have dinner
at his place on Saturday night.
On Saturday, I arrived at his place promptly at 6:00.
He kissed me as I walked through the door and then, after requesting that
I remove my shoes, he gave me the grand tour of the house.
It was a nice town house in Dublin with a view of Mount Diablo.
We went to the grocery store to gather the things
for the vegan stir fry we would be having and to buy a box of firewood.
Once back at his place, I began chopping vegetables
while he got the fire going. Ultimately, he finished cooking while
I got the fire to continue burning. We laughed at the role switching.
I was mildly shocked when I went to use his bathroom,
and found that the toilet in this otherwise sparkling home was covered
in a green film not unlike seaweed. I tried not to look and tried
to think of some good reason why his toilet would look like that.
Throughout the evening, we discussed our mothers,
our pasts, our hopes for the future, music, movies, and books. After
dinner he pulled out some books called "If." They were full of questions
like "If you were asked to name one person who's never experienced true
love, who would it be?" We had fun with it, and slowly the questions
became more sexual in nature.
It wasn't long before we were nearly naked and making
out on the sofa. He had stripped down to his boxers and by the time
we got to his bedroom, I was in my bra and panties.
Perhaps it is naive of me, but I believe sex begins
long before penetration. If two people are naked and purposefully
stimulating each other's erogenous zones, to me, that is sex. So
when I felt like he was trying to force his penis through my panties and
into me, I asked him if he had condoms.
He hesitated and then said, "I do, but I'm not sure
I'm ready for that yet." We then went on to have a discussion about
where we wanted this relationship to go, what we expect from this night,
etc. Ultimately, we agreed to have sex, and within moments, we were.
It's baffling how someone so amazing can be such
a freak in bed. Several times, before we even began, I thought he'd
reach orgasm just from kissing me. And then, articulate as he is
with his clothes on, he just kept saying, "fuck... fuck...."
He came quickly and then informed me that he was
sorry to leave me unsatisfied, but he was tired. I was in a numb
shock and began looking for my clothes. I was too tired to drive
home, so I just put on a shirt and my panties and went to sleep.
At about 5 AM, he woke me up telling me he wanted
me to have an orgasm. I just wanted to sleep. He asked me what
I liked and I told him that it's very difficult for me to achieve orgasm
through straight intercourse. It isn't impossible. Just challenging.
I told him that oral sex is generally a sure thing and he told me that
he wasn't ready for that yet. That we hadn't discussed STDs, and
he wasn't sure if he was ready for that level of intimacy.
I was beginning to feel as if I'd somehow raped
this man without intending to. I don't understand how having your
penis IN a woman's vagina, even if there is a layer of lace panties separating
the two is any less intimate than anything else. But maybe that's
just me.
Ultimately, we just stopped. He said he needed
to get going soon, because he was going hiking with a friend. I had
a very sick feeling in my stomach.
When I got home, I went to AFF to read his profile
again, wondering if I'd misinterpreted something somewhere. I was
mildly humiliated to see that he'd already been on AFF that morning, in
the time it had taken me to drive home from his house.
So yesterday I sent him an e-mail telling him that
I'd had this awkward feeling, and that I'd really like to discuss it with
him. We spoke on the phone for a while and agreed that we'd probably
rushed things, but that neither of us was sorry.
And then he told me he's not interested in seeing
me anymore.
Sometimes it's really difficult to hold out hope. |
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