Ouch -- 12-24-04

n Tuesday morning, I was getting ready for one of those "lunch" dates with R.  As I do every morning, I sat down in front of the computer after I'd gotten out of the shower, and checked e-mails, read the news, and checked in on my favorite diarist, All-is-Well.  It was this entry that I read that morning.  I cried several times that day.
    I've never had a father.  There were men in my life, but the vast majority of them were abusive either physically or verbally.  Emotionally, they were completely unavailable.
    It took me six years of counseling to figure out why my relationships have followed the fucked up patterns that they have followed, and I have narrowed it down to exactly what Mr. Well said.  I had learned how people should treat me from my parental units.
    The problem was that I never knew what a father was supposed to be.  It took an episode of Dr. Phil to put it in such simple terms I felt like a complete moron.  A father is supposed to be protector and provider.  This is not to say that he must stand at the door with a machete, nor that he must work two jobs so that he can be the primary bread winner.  But that is the archetype of the father.
    That is also something that I have never had.  My parents, as I said, were abusive.  Their needs came first.  Rather than protecting me, it was they who subjected me to many of the things which I consider most harmful in my past.
    And those were the relationships I chose: men who considered their needs long before mine; men who treated me poorly but rationalized it by somehow making it my fault; men who were content to let me take care of them, rarely caring about my mental health or well-being.
    I don't need to be taken care of.  I've taken care of myself for a very long time.  I can earn my own living.  I can fix a clogged sink.  I can change the oil in my car.
    But I want a partner who wants to take care of me -- someone who wants to shield me from harm if he can -- someone who cares that my needs are met.  I just want someone who could pick up the slack when I'm tired or weak and be happy to lessen my burden for a while.
    Sometimes the realization that I have never had something like that is so overwhelming I cannot stand it.  Am I to be alone forever, now that I know exactly what I want and need?  I am finding that I intimidate men because I don't need to be taken care of.  Those men who would fill the role I wish them to fill, feel like they have nothing to offer me.  On the other hand, those who are looking for mommies to take care of them, see me as a gold mine.
    Sometimes I feel so lonely, I think I'll drown in it.  Without a doubt, I know that this is why I have gone so insane in the sexual exploration department lately (which, by the way, I have taken measures to curb).
    I deserve to be loved well by someone that I love.  I've earned it.  But I've come to learn that the universe is neither fair nor unfair, and I know that I could just as easily die never having known that kind of love.


    When R and I met for lunch, I was very emotional.  I told him about the emotions that had surfaced that morning, and he held my hand and told me many things... one of which was that he's never wished so badly that he could live a double life... the one he has now and one in which I was his partner.
    Sometimes I feel like he's as close as I'll ever get to that kind of love.

    I'm cold.

 

Previous Entries
Friendly Advising - 02-02-05
Lovemaking - 01-30-05
The Art of Unhappiness - 01-13-05
Rubber Ducky - 01-09-05
Ouch - 12-24-04
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