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Ouch --
12-24-04
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n Tuesday morning, I was getting ready for one of those "lunch" dates
with R. As I do every morning, I sat down in front of the computer
after I'd gotten out of the shower, and checked e-mails, read the news,
and checked in on my favorite diarist, All-is-Well.
It was this
entry that I read that morning. I cried several times that
day.
I've never had a father. There were men in
my life, but the vast majority of them were abusive either physically or
verbally. Emotionally, they were completely unavailable.
It took me six years of counseling to figure out
why my relationships have followed the fucked up patterns that they have
followed, and I have narrowed it down to exactly what Mr. Well said.
I had learned how people should treat me from my parental units.
The problem was that I never knew what a father
was supposed to be. It took an episode of Dr. Phil to put it in such
simple terms I felt like a complete moron. A father is supposed to
be protector and provider. This is not to say that he must stand
at the door with a machete, nor that he must work two jobs so that he can
be the primary bread winner. But that is the archetype of the father.
That is also something that I have never had.
My parents, as I said, were abusive. Their needs came first.
Rather than protecting me, it was they who subjected me to many of the
things which I consider most harmful in my past.
And those were the relationships I chose: men who
considered their needs long before mine; men who treated me poorly but
rationalized it by somehow making it my fault; men who were content to
let me take care of them, rarely caring about my mental health or well-being.
I don't need to be taken care of.
I've taken care of myself for a very long time. I can earn my own
living. I can fix a clogged sink. I can change the oil in my
car.
But I want a partner who wants
to take care of me -- someone who wants to shield me from harm if he can
-- someone who cares that my needs are met. I just want someone who
could pick up the slack when I'm tired or weak and be happy to lessen my
burden for a while.
Sometimes the realization that I have never had
something like that is so overwhelming I cannot stand it. Am I to
be alone forever, now that I know exactly what I want and need? I
am finding that I intimidate men because I don't need to be taken care
of. Those men who would fill the role I wish them to fill, feel like
they have nothing to offer me. On the other hand, those who are looking
for mommies to take care of them, see me as a gold mine.
Sometimes I feel so lonely, I think I'll drown in
it. Without a doubt, I know that this is why I have gone so insane
in the sexual exploration department lately (which, by the way, I have
taken measures to curb).
I deserve to be loved well by someone that I love.
I've earned it. But I've come to learn that the universe is neither
fair nor unfair, and I know that I could just as easily die never having
known that kind of love.
When R and I met for lunch, I was very emotional.
I told him about the emotions that had surfaced that morning, and he held
my hand and told me many things... one of which was that he's never wished
so badly that he could live a double life... the one he has now and one
in which I was his partner.
Sometimes I feel like he's as close as I'll ever
get to that kind of love.
I'm cold. |
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