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Lovemaking --
01-30-05
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'm seriously considering medication for my emotional ups and downs.
I've gotten so out of control, I have a difficult time distinguishing between
real emotions and simple reactions.
The majority of it revolves around R. He was
here for my birthday. He spent two nights. It was really wonderful.
We watched movies and talked and made love a lot. He told me he loved
me.
I think that was the weird part. On Friday,
when I'd last spoken to him, he told me that when we end a phone call he
wants to tell me that he loves me but that it blurs the lines. "So,"
he said, "just know that when I say 'see you later' it means 'I love you.'"
Then when he was here, he said it many times. On one occasion, after
we'd had a particularly emotional love-making session (as opposed to physical),
he clung to me and told me he loved me. Then, almost to himself,
he said, "that was love-making... not just sex."
I've NEVER considered our time together "just sex."
I have always felt a bond with him so that even our first night together,
when we were just strangers, I felt like what we were doing was exchanging
gifts as dear friends.
I'm beginning to get a glimpse of his marriage that
is making this relationship more and more difficult for me. They
are not healthy and happy, which was what my intuition assumed from the
beginning. She seems very insecure and in need of tremendous amounts
of validation. She needs validation from R that she's the only one
for him, and yet she pursues not just sexual, but emotional relationships
from multiple men. It is my impression (and yes, I confess, my tainted
impression) that they are together at this point because they have some
moral objection to divorce, not because they truly make each other happy.
So this puts me in a very precarious position.
Do I remove myself from the situation, so as not to add to the reasons
in which they might abandon their relationship? Do I stay and keep
my mouth shut, and continue trying to find some way in which I am comfortable
with this whole thing? Do I tell him what I really hope for, revealing
my total lack of traditional moral values?
I want him for myself. I've tumbled this over
in my mind a thousand and one times. This is not a case of "I want
you because I know I can't have you." He is the man I've always wanted.
He's strong and considerate and passionate and compassionate. He's
thoughtful and level-headed and warm and tender. He's philosophical
and a little gullible. He's assertive. He touches me in all
the right ways.
So daily I run the gamut of emotion from madly in
love, to fully pissed off, to lost in despair, to jaded and cynical, to
hopeful and happy. Mostly I just find myself teetering on the edge
of sobbing. And I go over that edge quite often.
I feel like I lose either way. If I stay, I
lose because it hurts that he's choosing her over me every time we're together
and he has to leave. If I go, I lose a dear friend, the best
lover I've ever had, and that part of my soul that believes I'll find the
right person some day.
Why does fate play this game with me? So many
wrongs in the past. Why is it that the right one has to be so close
and yet so far out of reach? |
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