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Perspective from the Shower --
7-25-04
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y cousin's bridal shower was today.� I've just returned.�
I have to confess that I actually enjoyed myself.� Generally I avoid
such events because they remind me of an earlier time, when I threw showers
like mad in an attempt to make myself feel important.
��� As in my last entry, I realized that I avoid these
events because, again, they remind me of things I no longer dare to hope
for.� I think also, that I fear that if they ever again come to me,
it will be a grand failure, like the first time.
��� I have hope, though, thanks to my cousin and today.�
She's only a year younger than I am, and she, too, has been married once
before.� She seems genuinely happy, now.� It radiated from her
in a way I haven't seen since she was 13 and I was 14, and our favorite
Michael Jackson video had just come on MTV.� She's lost a considerable
amount of weight.� She smiles and laughs.� They've bought a house
together and are landscaping it as a mutual project.
��� And they're planning to have children.
��� That's the dream that pains me to have given up the
most.� A baby of my own.
��� I can't wait to get out of this black hole of a town
that I live in.� 54 more days until I move away and never look back.�
I really believe that this town has contributed greatly to my bleak state
of mind, lately.� I've lived in Sacramento for the last 4 years, and
aside from the heat and the rudeness, I really liked it.� There was
always some place to go and someone to talk to.
��� Now that I've moved back here, it's like moving
back in time.� A trip to Wal-Mart is like stepping into a Jeff Foxworthy
video.� "If you're with your mama, your pop, your wife, and your second
cousin, Gomer, and between the five of you you still don't have a full
set of teeth...."
��� I sound like a snob, don't I?� I guess I have
become one.� I cannot express the bitterness that I feel with regards
to the path my life has taken.� I've tried so hard to live my life
"the right way," to do the "right things," and sometimes it seems like
I can't catch a break.
��� One thing I can say: despite the loneliness and
the blatant lack of sex, I'm glad I'm single right now.� No drama
to deal with other than my own.� Moving to the Bay Area will be great
for me.� Great opportunities.� New people to meet.� New
things to see.� MUCH lower temperatures.
54 more days! |
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